Feminism, Victim Blaming

Dear P

Hi!!

First of all thank you for constantly coming to my blog and taking pain to type the same comment in multiple ways under various unrelated posts!

And  apologise for not responding to each and every comment, you see unfortunately I do not have that much time, really sorry.

Also, I know as you clearly stated you did not want a response to your comment, but as you kept on repeating the same question again and again and yet again, I have a feeling you actually do want my answer? I am not sure. 

So, if you DID want an answer, read on, if not, please STOP right here and look up there would be red X on top of your page, and click it! 

First of all for my readers, the below comments from P was in relation to my comment on this blog: http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2013/11/27/is-it-possible-that-the-ones-whose-disapproval-is-dreaded-the-most-are-those-who-are-most-likely-to-express-disapproval-and-occasional-approval/., and he was kind enough to come all the way to my blog and keep on posting stuff here, instead of taking the easy way out and just replying to my comment on that blog itself! Such dedication to your cause is commendable!

And here is what I  had commented:

Dear LW, if at 25, if u are not able to stand up for yourself, your happiness and for what is right…I think u are too young to get married..either to your gf or to the other girl.

One needs to be mature, independent and able to stand up for themselves in order to enter into a committed relation with another human

I do not feel sorry for u, it is your decision to bow down to stupid blackmail.
I do not feel sorry for your gf, she deserves someone better who would stand by her through thick and thin if he says he loves her.
I feel sorry for the girl who agreed to marry u
.the poor girl will suffer for trusting in you and agreeing to marry u while u keep her in dark. Also if u bow down to blackmail now, u will force her to bow down to your mother’s blackmail too..maybe about her career, kids or clothes…I hope you at least do the right thing here and tell her the truth.

  

So let me reply to your each and every comment.

Here goes your first comment (My answers in bold):

You are so jealous of other sons’ mothers that you love spitting venom on to the forums because for you the love of the girlfriend is unparalleled and the girlfriend usually doesn’t emotionally blackmail a man.

Let us take first point first, about me being jealous of son’s mothers. That is just hilarious! 🙂 🙂

You see, I have a younger brother too. Would that make me jealous of my own mother?

Or if tomorrow I have a son, would I be jealous of me?

But really, why do you think that a mother who has a Son has something that other women do not? Like what?

Secondly, with a heavy heart I regret to say I am just a human and not a basilisk, so spitting venom, even though it would be totally cool, is biologically not possible..sigh.

Thirdly, NO I do not think love for a girlfriend/ or a wife or a bf or a husband is unparalleled.

But I DO believe that love and respect are mutual and this love could be between any two people: Lovers, parent and child, grandparent and child, sibling etc. And whenever one party starts blackmailing other party to obey their wishes, that is NOT love, it is called ABUSE.

Thirdly, Yup, Girlfriends sometimes does blackmail her boyfriend, boyfriends sometimes blackmail girlfriends, but that would come under aforementioned abuse category and not love. 

What do you mean by ‘stand by the girlfriend at all times’?

By this I mean if you say you love somebody, you should be prepared to stand up for them. It is horrible thing to lead others to trust in you and then bolt suddenly.

This one-dimensional definition of love which you advocate wherein guys are supposed to forget the eternal love they have for their parents and siblings post-dating/marriage is the most cruel of all.

Why does it have to be either or? Why cant one love their partners and parents as well?

Also, do you consider it a “Most cruel thing” when a girl leaves her parents post marriage? And is told by the society that she now “belongs” to the guy’s family?Or you think only a GUY has a right to love his parents and not be separated from them and love them for life?

If independence is what you advise, then why should men/boys even stand by the women/girls they get into a relationship with, let those girls be independent and take care of themselves rather than treating their boyfriends/husbands as slaves.

Yup, it is independence that I advise and not just for girls, for guys as well. Why cannot independent people get married? What you are talking about is the traditional patriarchical setting, where two strangers are forced into a marriage without knowing each other and then are expected to churn out sons. Where a wife is there to cook, clean and take care of family and a guy is there to as you put it “Work like a slave” and fulfil the entire family’s needs and each are expected to keep on compromising and sacrificing. That never benefits ANYBODY. It just creates a whole lot of people DEPENDENT on each other for their needs.

I believe in marriage as an institution. wherein people come together because they WANT to, a marriage that has its foundation on mutual respect, love, trust and honesty. And that is possible only if both the parties involved marry by their own free will and are independent.

I hope, you get the difference.  

You feel sorry fora girl and that a guy, she recently met must stand by her but forget the beautiful love of years that he shares with his mother, father, brother/sister?

How very cruel & beastly is your thought?

Nope, as you can read in my comments I never said that. If you read again I said I DO NOT feel sorry for your girlfriend, she DESERVES BETTER.

Also, what is your definition of “beautiful love” one wherein one party forces the other party to do as she/he wishes, by threatening them/ going on hunger strikes/ making life miserable for everybody around?

Because really, that, in my opinion is, I repeat ABUSE.

If it really was beautiful, than the mother and the brother would have sat down with the guy and DISCUSSED it out like mature adults. Where the guy would have been free to express why he loves that girl, and the parents would have met the girl and then have a discussion about WHY they did not like the girl. (AND NO, because she is from a different caste or what will people say are NOT reasons to say NO)

Also, even if they say they do not want the guy to marry his girlfriend, they have ABSOLUTELY no right to force him to marry other girl. Nobody deserves to get married and come to know that their partner married them only because they were forced to do so. Now THAT WOULD BE A CRUEL BEASTLY thing to do. 

If you still do not get it let me explain to you in a very easy way.

Imagine your parents arranged you to meet a girl, you liked her and agreed to marry her. All goes well and you both get married. And then you find out that the girl you married is in love with someone else and married you ONLY because her parents blackmailed her. What kind of marriage you will have after this? A happy one?  

If anything ever happens to the guy and his mother after your cruel advice which blindly attacks his family, then will you be ever forgive yourself?

I am not sure you understood my comment, all I advised the guy was to come clean to the other girl whom he was being forced to get married to BEFORE he marries her. If after knowing all this, the girl still wants to marry him, more power to her! 🙂 But if she does not want to marry a guy who loves some other girl, she should have an option to say NO BEFORE getting married.

And if his mother is Ok to ruin the life of some girl just so that she ca get her way, then SHE herself is responsible for anything that happens to her. Nobody ASKED her to go on a hunger strike, it was HER decision so SHE would face the consequences. I mean seriously, even my 4 year old cousin knows that if he says he does not want to eat, then it is his fault if he gets hungry later when there is no food. Its just plain logic.

If she is so worried about her health, she should NOT starve herself, its that simple.

Maybe you would for you lack conscience, but the law of nature will certainly keep a note of it and come for you,

If by lack of conscience for asking a guy to tell truth to the girl he is about to marry before marriage, I welcome the “Law of nature” which by the way is called Karma.

As I guy, I feel that you spew poison in relationships and derive pleasure from them.

Again, not a Basilisk and I do not need to poison the kind of relation the guy has with his mother, his mother has successfully done the task herself when instead of acting like a mature adult and discussing things she decided to act like a spoilt child and resort to threats and blackmail.

It’s a shame and no, I am not interested in reading your sick response to my letter here or elsewhere but if you still want to, carry on.

I did not want to, but as you kept on messaging me again and again and again and again with the same question I had to.

Also, I hope this answers all your questions. I am not including your other comments as they had the same content.

But if you want me to answer those as well, feel free to let me know, I would give answers to them as well, but it might take a little time.

Also, dear P, I would appreciate if you have a problem with my comments on other people’s blog, please spare my time and yours and click on the reply button on the comment on that blog only.

Thanks! 🙂

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