Feminism, marriage

How To Talk When A Prospective Groom Comes To ‘SEE’ You 101

English: Picture side of one of a series of hu...
English: Picture side of one of a series of humorous postcards on the theme of women capturing prospective husbands during leap year (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had recently posted how prospective grooms are going to come to “SEE” me. If you have not read that post, do read that here.

So, tomorrow this guy I have never met in my life is going to come and I will be expected to put on my best behavior.  Of course I have a say in the matter whether I want to marry him or not, so that takes the pressure off the thing..phew

So, these past few days I am getting the “How To Talk 101” from ‘well wishers’.

I am not saying I agree to these points, I am not saying I will follow these points.

But, its interesting how sexism is so inherent in our culture that it’s almost impossible for people to believe otherwise! I mean, when I tried to defend, I was told “But, that’s how it has always happened, It’s not going to change for you!”

I am advised to “keep an open mind” and not say stuff below, as marriage is based on “adjustment” and once he will “like” me than I can say all this and make him “understand”..(Understand? How can anybody “LIKE” me if he does not know what I like or do not like, or what my thoughts are? Is marriage based only on looks? How would it be a successful marriage if one person “compromises” everything?I just do not get it)

1) Do not say the you have a pet.

Say that your family has a pet. He does not belong to you, but to the family. After all, Scooby is our dog also, we would love to spend time with him! We will be so alone as you will not be in the house and brother will also leave as he is planning to take a job in other city, Scooby will keep us company. (This after years of hearing, he is YOUR responsibility, YOU take care of him, Keep him AWAY from me, to an extent if I have to work whole day till late night, I have to arrange for his boarding somewhere else!)

Tomorrow it has been “arraigned” for Scooby to go with the driver for a ride for a couple of hours. So they (the guy and his dad) do not get to know that we have a “pet” and he is attached to me. 😦

The reason I have been given is its very possible that the guy does not like pets. And to judge him for that would be wrong.

But, what about the fact that I LOVE Scooby? Why should I not be with my dog, just because some unknown stranger does not like pets?

Plus, I LOVE animals, in general. There are stray cats that come in the house and DEMAND milk, which is promptly given, stray dogs are given food etc etc

My love for animals is a VERY integral part of me and if my partner does not share that love, that compassion, than he is not that ideal match for me!

2) Do NOT say that you will be wearing jeans and stuff

Exact words were “Do not be like those close minded girls who in the first meeting make it clear that they will continue to wear western clothes”

I can “mention” that I like wearing western, but not state that “I will be wearing them”.

Why? Because he would think this girl is not ready to “adjust” and “compromise” like a good Indian Bahu (DIL)

But, is not it better to clearly state my opinion at first, than later, which would cause friction?  How many years can one pretend to be someone else?

Is it not better to state everything clearly on the first day itself?

3) Do not mention any  of those “Feminist” ideas of yours

Every female has to “compromise”, Mom did, why can not I?

My answer: Because I do not want to. Because I am not Mom.

I have heard from a lot of women (including mom) that they cried alone for first couple of months of marriage, because of the “changes” and “compromises”.

See, i do not want that.

If a person cant accept me for who I am, I do not think he should get married to me.

The worse thing that bothers me is, If I were a guy,

a) and had a dog, I would not have been asked to part from him just because of the girl I marry, SHE would have been told “your husband likes it, adjust to the dog”

b) I would be able to wear all jeans and shorts I want to in my life, there would be no questions asked about my character.

c) I would not be expected to change my name, become a “I am married” billboard advertisement, not eat food for some days etc  would never feature in my life!

Sigh, the crap we have to put up with in life, just because we are girls!

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15 thoughts on “How To Talk When A Prospective Groom Comes To ‘SEE’ You 101”

    1. nothing!!!
      But I said I want to marry someone who likes pets and well, my dogs go where I go!
      That is seen as a mighty opinionated thing for a girl to dictate terms in a society where ‘Good’ girls shut up and do what they are told and sacrifice their likes and dislikes for the husband’s family!

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      1. Men don’t have to “compromise”? Let me tell you something about “the guys”. 99% of the time in a relationship, a man will just apologize even when he feels he has done nothing wrong. It is called “making women nod”. In fact, men see it as a normal part of being in a relationship. Just say yes. It’s easier that way. Notice that the key here is that men dont feel its a big deal to just say yes. It feels like a great deal actually; it takes a lot less energy to forget about something you wanted than to beg forgiveness later from an upset girlfriend/wife.

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      2. I am not saying that just women have to compromise in a relationship.

        The dynamics of a relationship is totally different than the points considered in an arraigned marriage.

        In my post, the “compromises” that were listed out, were to be done BEFORE I even met the guy!

        My point is, in a Indian Arraigned Marriage Scenario, the amount of things a girl is expected by the society to “Sacrifice” is nearly not the same as guys.
        A girl is expected to leave her family, friends, job, likes, dislikes, pets, last name, in some cases even first name, jeans, skirts, shorts, etc and “adjust” to the guy’s family’s all whims and fancies.

        If the guy’s family “allows” her to some of the above things, she is told that she is “lucky” that she got such in-laws.

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  1. Hi there! New reader to you blog! Nice writeup. Before I say anything else, can I request you to take a look at your font? letters appeared to be misaligned and I had a hard time reading t (IE 11 preview)

    I completely agree with your points, all fairly written. None of these matter to a relationship, or should matter to the guy. Having a pet is a contentious issue (allergies etc),but that should be openly discussed before.

    For the sake of rounding this post a bit more, I want to take some time to point out where guys face inequality in arranged marriage:
    1. Being rejected by brides/families based solely on salary/professional success. One girl left me during the courtship period/interaction phase when her family found a better-qualified groom. The girl went on to tell me she deserved a better life than I **could offer**. Note: I work at one of the largest software corporations in the world and my pay is very competitive, but not much as the IIM-qualified investment banker. The girl was making 1/6th my salary at the time. Why couldn’t she step up in life, get better educated/employed and earn her better life? Second, I was rejected based on the fact that I didn’t make at least twice the girl’s salary. Apparently the trend (esp in South Indian families) is for the guy to make at least twice the girl’s salary. This girl in question was making 9lpa at 24 years, so please don’t tell me she needs financial security.
    2. My classmate and one senior who scraped through college with poor marks and 3/4 repeat exams only wants an USA MS-qualified boy who will earn 120,000$ (no kidding) because these women **like that lifestyle**. People can have expectations and desires from a partner, but why not attempt to earn your lifestyle first?.
    3. A friend who is running a successful startup now is getting back matrimony requests from girls/families who rejected him during he first days. He now drives a Merc at 29 years, and all these people come back to him now. Why wasn’t there woman who thought her money could provide stability while he chases his dreams? He already had angel funding by then, so what were they thinking?

    I think our patriarchial society imposes restrictions on both men and women, more so on women. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts

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    1. Welcome to the blog!

      I totally do agree to all your points! I believe patriarchy is damaging both men and women.

      I agree its TOTALLY unfair for the grooms to be judged based on money as the only factor.

      As you may have read in my previous post, its sad that girls are valued on their looks and guys on their current salary. As if a beautiful girl and a rich husband would mean a successful marriage! If that were true, Nigella would not have been choked in public!
      We, as a society, need to understand that there is more to a personality than looks and money.

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    2. People can have expectations and desires from a partner, but why not attempt to earn your lifestyle first?

      This is one point that even I have wondered on! I have come across girls who barely managed to pass a bachelors program and did not even bother getting a job, expect grooms to be earning loads (Preferably dollars)!

      I mean you want that lifestyle girl, why don’t you WORK for that lifestyle instead of burdening some guy with your demands?

      But, strangely, in this society, its natural for women to demand this lifestyle, and what’s more if they look pretty, they will get the lifestyle.

      It is sad, there is more to people’s personalities than money and beauty.

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      1. Thanks for replying 🙂 I was away traveling for a month. I agree with you, I wish we had more women step up in life. It’s good for everyone.

        I’ve unfortunately seen girls in such situations state that they aren’t coming to the marriage empty-handed (meaning their family paid a dowry and/or paid for marriage expenses), so they are being reasonable.

        On the other hand, my family is willing to take up majority of marriage expenses if the girl’s family is unable to spend 50% (50% share is in itself unusual in my community), but we’ve only come across one girl worthy of such treatment in 1.5 years of bride-search.

        It’s a little disappointing, the kind of relationships and equations that arranged marriage puts people into 😦

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  2. I totally agree with the last statement “there is more to people’s personalities than money and beauty”.
    Even I have been feeling the same since childhood. Lack of beauty has weakened my personality and people running around money dont like it…..
    My blogs are at http://anoptimistic.wordpress.com
    Please visit and let me know your feedback.
    Thanks !!!

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  3. Even if your in-laws are very loving, you won’t be able to be yourself. Why? – because of the things we have learnt from our family. Wearing shorts in front of FIL could be ‘disrespectful’, sleeping in your room while there are guests in your house would be frowned upon, going out with your set of friends late at night would be unacceptable…
    These are not earth shattering matters! But the whole point is, no matter what, it is hard for a girl to be herself in front of in-laws. Wonder why, really! And please, make sure you are who you are in front of the guy. You will never be able to forgive yourself if you pretend.The points you have mentioned should not be not acceptable to an educated guy of this generation. I’m hoping 🙂

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  4. First of all, thanks for linking back to the Amish Tripathi post.

    Checked out your blog, read a few posts, and this one caught my attention. Great write-up. I share similar views and I would have written pretty much the same post in my own way, if I ever had to. 🙂

    Did you really write this post out of personal experience or was it tweaked so that it looked like an appealing post? (which it is). Just curious 😀

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  5. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all this. Why don’t you show your parents your blog and esp the support you get from the comments section. I think it is our responsibility to make or parents understand these things. I make my mother read my blog and the response. It helps her understand her daughter’s thoughts.

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  6. Recently, I was pushed to talk to one of the prospective groom.The middle-woman was full of praise for the guy saying ” He is very God fearing and doesn’t even eat a Betel-nut” to imply he is religious and a pure vegetarian. My mom and aunt asked not to speak to him regarding my food habits which included me eating non-veg (In our so called sect they don’t). I have been open to my parents regarding that, now why should I hide from this person whom I have not met in case confronted. I told him that I eat non-veg sometimes and as expected he too regularly had non-veg but he hid it from his family. Anyway, that was not my problem. We spoke and it didn’t work out for other reasons nothing happened.
    Then I decided, no matter what I will not hide or lie from the beginning to a person whom I am speaking to with intent spending my future life along. Those ideas our elders give us sometimes seem so deceptive.

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    1. My thoughts exactly..why such deception for forming a life long relation? According to me great marriage us based on honesty, trust and understanding and not lies, compromises and sacrifices

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